Weight-loss jabs and other drugs to save me from myself

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Being both overweight and greedy, I’m extremely excited about this new anti-obesity drug Wegovy, which is going to get me healthy without any effort. Oh yes, I forgot to mention. I should have said overweight, greedy and a bit lazy. And partial to a Hobnob. 

Just to be clear, I’m not besmirching anyone else here. I’m only talking about me. Lots of people who will benefit from the new medicine have serious metabolic or clinical conditions to deal with. But in my case, the only clinical issue I have around my weight is, well, my weight. That and a psychological condition which makes dieting seem such a bore.

I’m not sure if all this puts me at the back of the queue for the wonder drug. Clearly, those with pre-diabetes or hypertension will get preference over those of us who are merely hyper keen on junk food.

I did manage to lose a lot of weight during the pandemic, when the risk of death seemed more direct and proximate. But once we got the Covid jab and the health risks were less immediate, I relaxed back into relaxed-fit clothes. So, anyway, I’m very excited about these latest medical developments, especially with all the warnings we are also now getting about ultra-processed food.

It looked like it was going to have to be some kind of low-fat diet for me, but if I can just sign up for Wegovy and a life-long course of statins, I can probably eat what I like. There is, of course, still the cancer risk associated with UPF, so it would be good to get a drug for that too because I do like a bacon sandwich in the morning.

One thing I am worried about is the fact that Wegovy works by suppressing your appetite. This feels like a blunt instrument when it comes to damping down cravings, and I wonder if I should hang on for more targeted treatment that, say, suppresses my appetite for butternut squash rather than my cravings for cheeseburgers. It would be something of a blow if, upon walking into a newsagent, I started hearing Jedi-like voices telling me: “Those aren’t the Pringles you’re looking for.” 

Also, I wouldn’t want my appetite dampened on one of those nights when I’ve been invited to a seven-course meal at the Waterside Inn at Bray (not that I ever have been, but it’s best to plan for all eventualities). Perhaps Wegovy could be administered in a similar way to the 5:2 diet so my appetite is still available two days a week. 

Also while we are at it, there are several other areas where medical science has let me down. My catastrophic attempts at waterskiing (who knew it was possible to drink an entire ocean?) have cruelly exposed Big Pharma’s failure to address my lack of upper body strength. And I can get a little bit puffed going up the emergency stairs at Covent Garden underground so something for that would definitely be a useful addition to my pill box. Just as we once used to say, “there’s an app for that” maybe soon we’ll be able to talk of “a jab for that”. Of course, it might be that what I need is a pill to make me crave exercise, but a pill which simply delivered the benefits would be more efficacious all round.

I do understand, of course, that in the case of Wegovy the real patient is not the individual but the NHS, which will hopefully be saved millions, even billions, by not having to treat the umpteen ill-effects of an overweight population. If a number of costly diseases are pared back by a simple jab, then that’s a good enough reason for it right there. It is unalloyed good news. No need for nanny-state sugar taxes when the government can just jab you thin.

But we do need the pharma companies to look beyond dreary issues such as national need and into broader personal or parental failings. A drug to get people off their mobile phones, for example, or an injection to make the spawn tidy their rooms and do their homework. What about a patch that increases your desire to unload the dishwasher? 

There is a whole raft of life issues where medical science has yet to make up for our own inadequacies or lack of willpower. I realise there aren’t the same public health savings, but think of the wider benefits.

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